Sex work is about consent, not compliance. Consent is constantly given and adjusted throughout a booking. While you may be paying for our time and attention, we always reserve the right to refuse service at any time, to anyone.
Consent starts at the initial contact.
When I did escort work, this was via phone, text or email. If a client is not respectful, I would refuse to book with him.
Now I do brothel work, I have two main scenarios on how I apply or remove consent.
- If I have seen a client before and he consistently crossed my boundaries, I will not see him again. He will be told I am busy if he asks to see me. I currently have three people who make this list.
- If I am meeting someone for the first time, I may offer the girlfriend service, I may not. To kiss or do anything more than the standard service is entirely up to my discretion, not the client’s.
By choosing to do escort work or work at a brothel, I am consenting to certain terms. However, I am not bound to a brothel. If I do not like their terms, I am free to leave and go to else where, work for myself or get a different job. The choice is still mine.
Consent continues during the booking.
While I will do my best to make you the center of my attention during our time, that does not equal ‘you can do what you want’.
Consent does not always mean a big action. If a client goes to do something I do not want, I will first respond with a few light-hearted words or actions.
- If a client says no to girlfriend but then tries to kiss me, I may just turn my face so it does not align with his.
- If a position makes me sore, or his fingers start to explore, I will speak up and tell him It doesn’t turn me on and change what we are doing.
The whole tone of a booking is based on consent. It is also in the client’s best interests if he wants a first class service. The more gracious he is, the more sensual and playful I am.
Treating a sex worker respectfully isn’t just about manners. The more a client tries to ‘take’ without my consent, the less I will consent to. This is in terms of action, enthusiasm, and attention.
Sex work is not compliance sex. No sex should be compliance sex.
Money does not buy consent.
No one can make another person comply without using cocersion. A client does not gain my consent through payment alone. It is given under the condition he will abide by my rules. To continue without consent during a booking is Rape or Assault.
- If a client does not listen and continues, I remove my consent. If I have said No and he continues, it is rape.
- If he removes the condom, he also removes the conditions of my consent and it is rape.
- If he does not fulfill payment, it is coercion by deceit. My consent is nullified, it is rape.
- If he is rough without seeking my consent, it is assault.
- If the laws do not protect me as a sex worker, that is rotten laws and it is still sexual assault.
That is not sex work. That is not prostitution. That is a man sexually assaulting a woman. Thankfully, these are the minority. Although larger in some countries than others depending on how badly the laws are set up.
Understanding compliance and consent is important for the public.
When a person starts in the sex industry, often they know very little about how it works. At each brothel I have been at, the first thing a newbie is told about sex work from the girls is:
“Do not do anything that you are uncomfortable with.
They are paying for your service, not to do whatever they want. If they do something you do not like, speak up. If they don’t listen, do not be afraid to get up and come downstairs. Tell the reception what has happened and they will deal with it.”
Unfortunately, when someone starts in the industry, they may not know any workers or where to find them online. All they know are misguided statements heard in the media.
Prostitution is not compliant sex. However, there is a danger that a newbie may think it is. When media incorrectly states it is buying a body, buying sex, buying a woman’s rights, it may help their agenda but it misguides the individual.
Unsure how to find advice from within the industry, they will go by the misadvice given from outside the industry. When faced with a client who makes them feel uncomfortable, they may think they have to stay in that situation, which is not true. That is why questions like this one are important and great to see.
Men love actively consensual sex.
When women talk about sex work being empowering, there are a few who dismiss this idea, not understanding what is meant. One area is the confidence which comes from having to reestablish boundaries with clients in the room.
One thing I have learnt being a sex worker is that men really do want to hear us speak up. Most men want to see their partner pleased.
- They want us to tell them what we enjoy and don’t enjoy.
- They want us to show them how we like it.
- They want to learn from us how they can ensure we orgasm every time.
- They are more satisfied when we are satisfied with them.
I am not talking about the few who have to get something back to do something you like. That is not acceptable. They are the ones who would make my block list.
It does take practice speaking up or making sound in the bedroom. It can feel a bit weird at the start. But having a job that centers on consent has taught me the benefits of speaking up in the bedroom.
By threading active consent through communication throughout the session I have experienced an increase in my own sexual enjoyment. I possess a deeper knowledge of my own body and kinks. And I have developed confidence to speak up and stand up for myself which overflows into my life outside of sex work.